![]() We do someone no favors when we silently collude with his delusion that it is his wife’s problem that he acts this way, or it’s his wife’s sole responsibility to fix their marriage. James reminds us, “Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” ( James 5:20). Those closest to the king failed to love him well by their unwillingness to tell him the truth. It took a child who was willing to tell the truth to shake people awake to their fear and foolishness. Instead, they allowed him to make a fool out of himself parading around in his nakedness, believing that he looked fabulous. In Hans Christian Andersen’s book The Emperor’s New Clothes, the king’s most trusted advisors were afraid to tell him the truth about his new non-existent wardrobe. We’re implying that we agree with the abuser’s interpretation of reality. By our silence, we send the wrong message. This places the burden on the abused to manage the abusers actions and attitudes. ![]() By our silence the abuser believes that we agree that if only his wife was more _ he wouldn’t act that way. Whether we realize it or not, by our silence we collude with the abuser that their behavior isn’t that bad. When we stay silent and refuse to name something for what it is, we are not neutral. It can be done in love, but it must be done. But speaking the truth doesn’t have to be done with scolding and shame. Yes, it’s true that both people in a marriage are sinners, and, therefore, we should not cast more stones in one direction than another. Neutral is not neutral when it comes to abuse and other serious sins. Marriage is not the exception to God’s guidelines on how to treat people.Ģ. The Bible says God hates injustice, oppressors, revilers, liars, hypocrites, and those who abuse their power to hurt and take advantage of others. Scripture amply supports God’s stance against abuse and the tactics of abusers. Yet, why in so many situations has no one said to her husband that he is abusive and destructive to her and to their marriage? God’s word is quite clear. When she’s expressing bitterness and resentment toward her abusive spouse, she’s told that she’s unforgiving and hard hearted. If we are counseling someone who is caught in a repetitive and dangerous sin and we minimize it, whitewash it, or ignore it, how are we helping that individual?īiblical counselors are trained to tell the truth when it comes to sins so, why do we stay silent on marital abuse? Most biblical counselors have no problem telling a woman who decides to divorce her abusive husband that she’s wrong, or God hates divorce. Here are three reasons why I believe staying neutral is unbiblical and even dangerous to the individuals as well as the marriage.Īs biblical counselors we are not merely truth-seekers we are called to be truth-tellers. ![]() We must not stay silent and not speak the truth just because it may cause someone to get upset, walk away, or stop counseling. ![]() It’s true that the counselor’s goal in marital counseling is to stay neutral and not take sides, but that is not Biblical when it comes to serious and repetitive marital sin. While I understand his position, in these kinds of cases it is unwise. I have to counsel someone in a way that won’t drive him away.” He said, “I can’t be your advocate because that would mean taking sides, and I can’t believe one person over the other. Why he never confronted her husband on his abusive behavior. One woman, after reading my blog, decided to ask her counselor why he never stood up for her. We diminish the reality and intensity of an offense by our choice of words. Refusing to call certain behaviors abuse and watering them down with more palatable words like “mutual sin” is like telling a rape victim that she had sexual intercourse outside of marriage. From the overwhelming feedback I received, it obvious I hit a raw nerve and I think it best that we, as biblical counselors pay attention.
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